August 25th Part 2

The trip down the Salmon was incredible. Central Oregon has had an unusually cold summer, not breaking 100 degrees. Idaho has provided, as it often does, a much needed solution to the cold for our staff with hot days and warm water. I was able to spend time getting to know each of the people I work with and as a bonus I was able to laugh downriver with Devon. She always reminds me of the person I aspire to be, and the power that one person can possess. The trip was fairly smooth and despite an unusually uptight raft company, we managed to have one hell of a good time. We have gotten back in the van and began our trip home.

I always find the moments after a multi-day trip has ended to be interesting. People tend to go one of two ways, denial or technology. I certainly have lost my ability to be river nostalgic for more than a few moments and I know that the quicker I get through the texts, emails, and voicemails the sooner I will be able to relax after the trip. This day suddenly wreaked of a familiar outcome, one that would change everything permanently (a concept in Buddhism doesn't often prove true).

One simple text told me all I needed to know, "Hey man, why is the shop empty?" This haunting message filled me in on Maddie's intentions for the weeks prior and leading through this trip. All I had to respond to this on the 8 hour drive from Idaho was a knife throwing text to Maddie saying, "We are off the river, can't wait to tell you the great news!" Which was bullshit, but I thought at least this would cause her some serious embarrassment and shame.

The drive home is terrible. Lacking the ability to contain secrets has forced me to inform the people I am with that she has run off (at some point I need to learn this skill) and it has started those droopy lips from my newly formed friends. I am astonished that I am again coming off this river to a wrecked life, almost exactly 4 years later, because of the same person. The Salmon River and all of it's amazing offerings will never be paddled again by this fool.

When I arrive home things are as they would be expected, missing. She has taken many liberties in dividing our (my) belongings and it looks very similar to my freshman year of college once again. The house looks like it had been rummaged through and heaps of garbage are strewn throughout. It seems that she decided she had little time to act to be clear of having to explain her actions. I am numb and I cannot begin to process what the next step will be. I have surgery in a few days and possibly the most grotesque betrayal, she took the bed. Recovery will now be complicated...

Thought #1: This trip was open to both the staff and our partners. However, I felt it necessary to keep Maddie off of the trip as things have been so challenging. I now realize that I will never again be ashamed of my relationship to the degree of hiding it. 

Thought #2: At this point Maddie had already chosen her path. After years of offered help and assistance for her depression, she has decided that I truly am the root of her sadness. As a result of the entire ordeal I have learned one simple truth. A broken person blames themselves, a failure blames the world.